Thursday, October 15, 2009

Bonding

I'm going to share some truth here.

Before Playette was born, I wondered if I'd bond with her. Just regular, first time mom types of feelings. There was no diagnosis at that point.

I was afraid that things wouldn't go as planned and I was nervous about getting too attached to the baby. We called her Teep back then.

I knew I was having this baby, I felt her kicks, but I wasn't positive that we would connect. I never had dreams that involved her because I couldn't see that far into the future. I was petrified of parenthood, basically.

I wasn't the type of person that could prepare a nursery months and months in advance. I admired those people and their confidence. I didn't even announce my pregnancy until I had the 20 week ultrasound photos in my hand as proof not only to the people I was sharing the news with, but also to myself.

I had hopes that when I looked upon her face for the first time that everything would change. I'd have one of those movie moments where everything dimmed around us and I fell so deeply in love that I'd quickly forget that I had ever experienced any Teep-related anxieties.

Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

So imagine, if you can, the effect an unexpected diagnosis had on me.

I found it extremely difficult to bond with Playette initially. I spent so much of my time seeking support for how I was feeling, searching for information on how to best raise this child of mine with unique challenges, and pumping. I pumped hours and hours a day for the first 6+ months of Playette's life. I had my reasons, but looking back now, it seems clear to me that I welcomed the diversion, no matter the inconvenience.

We've come a long way since then.

There's no denying our bond.

I tell her that I love her every morning and every night and many times in between.

I think she's awesome.

I like her.

We can hang out, just us two. We have games that only we play. I know that when she wakes up and signs music, she wants me to sing. Any old song will do, but one that's made up on the spot is a special treat.

My girl appreciates a good Freestyle.

This chick inspires me more than I could have ever imagined.

She's still a Daddy's Girl for sure, but we're connected. And I'm so glad for it.



13 comments:

Sara Atkins said...

This is so honest and so sweet. I love it. You are amazing!

Monica Burgess said...

Crystal reading this beautiful story about your bond with your cutie brought tears to my ears because like you I went through that similar fear of the what I call the first time mommy blues and fears...When my son Tajuan was born he had to stay in the hospital for two weeks because he suffered some things at birth. I prayed and watched over him like a hawk all the wild being so scared that he would come home and have another seizure I wouldn't know what to do...I loved that little boy and he loved me too...I would sing to him and nurse him everyday not knowing if his condition would get better or worse. Now 16 years later, he is doing fine but I still watch over him like he was still my little baby.. Motherhood is the best gig in the world. I wouldn't trade it for anything else. I just love being a mom. Crystal I can see the love in your eyes for your daughter. You are so amazing and she is so blessed to have you and her father as her parents...And believe me Crystal she knows....

Lacia said...

Awww..that is so sweet. And again, she is just so darn gorgeous.

Karly said...

This post needs a tissue warning.

xo

A Lady Called Amy said...

:-)

Wendy P said...

Chrystal - lovely, lovely post. And lovely ladies! That's such a gorgeous pic!

sheree said...

that picture is outrageously adorable!

Love the honesty in this post. Thanks for sharing, Chrystal. :)

Cate said...

love.

I struggled with bonding too. Not many people talk about it, but I think it's way common. Thanks for putting this out there.

how cute are you two? really, too cute.

AZ Chapman said...

nice post I can not wait for the buddy walk pics hint hint hint

Evelyn Parham said...

Such a sweet post! I love the photo, it is beautiful!!

Jennifer said...

This brought tears to my eyes too! Maybe it's those pregnancy hormones or maybe it's just that it's so sweet! I am so impressed with how many signs Malea has! I hope Vivian will one day all of the sudden sign back to us. This is such an incredible journey and I love reading about yours, it's amazing, thank you!

Michelle said...

oh Crystal, I totally didn't bond with Kayla at birth either...and for the first couple of years on her birthday I would be so emotional...feeling so guilty that I never experienced that "motherly bond" that 'supposedly' happens at birth. Then I learned it DOESN'T happen to every mother instantly. I wrote somewhat about it in a post called "Guilt" (and guess what? I didn't really bond with Lucas immediately either!)

Thank you for sharing your raw honesty ... and look at us now...totally bonded with our daughters ... it's all good :)

Brooke Z said...

I loved loved loved this post. I mean, okay the TiVo remote story was great...but this post made me smile so much. I remember very well when baby girl was called "Teep"...and I remember laughing sooooo hard when - as you were starting to get your nursery and baby stuff together - you asked what in the HECK you were supposed to do with all of that baby powder!?!?! So what DID you do w/ all of it? :)