Monday, July 2, 2012

One Helluvatransition

It's been 10 weeks since our family of three became four. So much has changed. I really do miss writing about everything on a regular basis.

I mean, I'm not upset with myself for slacking. I know why. You know why. But it doesn't make it any easier for me to accept when days, and then weeks, go by with nary a syllable written in this space. 

I posted a couple of pictures of Playette recently, on her 5th bithday. Crazy. She still seems so little to me. By little I mean young. But five? Five is a Big Kid. 

I never made it back to mention that if Playette is five, that means this blog is four. For anyone that wasn't already aware, this blog was my coming out, of sorts. It was when I became all, "I have a kid with Ds, hear me roar." Or something. Took me a year to do that. 

So if you've never read the first post, here it is

The second one was closely related, so here you go

I just now got back from the store with Playette. She needed snacks for school tomorrow when they will be having a pre-4th of July party. The kids are also encouraged to dress in red, white, and blue, so we hit up W-Mart in order to try and fulfill both items we lacked. What I realized before walking out the door was that this was the first time I could recall in the last ten weeks that Playette and I were going to spend any significant one-on-one time together. BD asked me when the last time we were alone together was and my response? "Last weekend in the hospital bed in the ER when you took Dez to get his chest x-ray." 


Which reminds me. The ER. Not as terribly bad as it sounds, and it actually was, in the weirdest way, a nice reprieve. Our family was in one narrow room, away from the heat, outside of the house, and we made each other laugh while we waited. It actually felt nice. This was, though, after we pretty much knew that the reason why we came wasn't going to turn into the worst case scenario after all. 

Because I have a lot on my mind and I don't want to fall into the trap of never posting until my thoughts are perfectly crafted into individual, free-flowing posts, I offer you... BULLETS.

  • Dez is sick. He's getting over it now, but it was scary for a little while. He's so wee and when you hear a bebe with a crackly, full-body cough that is inconsolable, you want to do something about it. I wasn't satisfied with the blow-off we received from the on-call Pediatrician on Friday, so when things appeared to be worse on Saturday, we went to the Navy hospital ER. For a non-military family, that would be like going to urgent care. It's our after-hours option and I was happy to get a second opinion from people who would take the issue seriously. Bottom line: he'll be ok. Upper Respiratory Infection and he's got the cutest inhaler I've ever seen. That probably sounds strange.
  • I am frustrated with my post-baby body. I know that I'm crazy. Plenty of people have told me as much. My answer: "No one tells BeyoncĂ© that." Yeah, they just give her props for looking awesome. For some reason, I thought I'd bounce back from pregnancy and childbirth and be running five miles a day by now. Ha. Hahahahahaha. I haven't lost any weight in over a month and I haven't done anything deliberately active in weeks. Unless eating cookies and ice cream counts. This is not boding well for the ten-miler I signed up to do in October.
  • Playette is regressing. She is lashing out at friends, crying at the drop of a hat, being generally disagreeable, pushing boundaries, being defiant, and, worst of all to me, having accidents of the urine-soaked variety. She misses being the one and only. Even though she loves Dez to pieces. She must feel horrible and that makes me feel horrible. I don't know how to fix this. I wish she could tell me what's going on in her head. 


  • Dez is blowing my mind with his lack of ability to stay a teensy baby. Think I'm kidding? Check out this bruiser:
How is this a two-month-old?
  • I turned a year older yesterday. Sick baby trumped celebrating. We did go out for breakfast though. It makes me feel weird that I'm not a big birthday person when so many other people are. What is so messed up about me that I'm not into celebrating...anything?
  • BD has been gone for work for about four of these last ten weeks. That has been difficult. He's home now and I'm thrilled. It's been hard, yo.
  • We're moving soon. Like, very. Finding a house, or lack thereof, has me pulling my hair out. Basically, I've pinpointed the school I want for Playette, but getting a house to match is much more difficult than I ever imagined. At least it's not a cross-country or intercontinental move. (I'd rather not say where just yet.) And starting everything (new friends, doctors, therapists, sitters, etc.) all over again? Gah.
  • We also have been car shopping. No one has offered us the Deal of the Century just yet. 
  • I miss my mother. I need help and a hug, basically. Actually, lots of hugs. BD told me that he'd take me to her headstone soon since I told him that I've never been. Sharing that publicly makes me even more sad. In a normal family, that would never happen, right? Seventeen years? And I'm not really into symbolism much. I know she's not there. But something in me wants to reach out to what is there.
  • I had a C-section. There, I said it. To everyone. It wasn't what I planned and I've kinda really glossed over it, but the unmedicated water birth I wanted and planned for turned into an abdominal surgery that humbled me with its recovery process. There's a story there, of course. And I will write it up. I have to. Before I forget all the details. But, yeah, I think I've been beating myself up a little for that, too. Which is wrong. And then I get mad at Me for being mean to Myself. What a screwed-up cycle. This is not judgment on anyone else's situation or choices, nor does it mean that I am anything less than extraordinarily grateful for the birth of my healthy boy. I just have issues with letting myself off the hook, even for things I can't control.
  • I didn't intend for this to be all womp-womp-y. There was good stuff in the last ten weeks, for sure.
  • For example, I went to the NDSS Spring Luncheon. That was something I've been meaning to talk about. It was so nice and I really enjoyed it. Yup, I loaded Dez up and we flew to NYC for about 36 hours door-to-door. We got to meet up with lots of friends and it took me about a week to recover. Totally worth it though. When I get copies of the couple of photos that were taken at the event, I will be sure and share them.


Anonymous said...

You made me laugh and cry...wish I could hug you! Thinking of you! xoxo

Alison said...

Happy birthday!

It makes sense that you aren't celebrating. Your casual list of what you're doing sort of blows my mind: recovering from c-section, buying a house and car, single-parenting a great deal of the time, taking care of a sick baby and an understandably frustrated older sister. Jeez!

And when was the last time you slept through the night?

Maybe you could schedule a birthday celebration for a few months from now, and you could ask for a night alone in a hotel or something....

Cate said...

Aw, Chrystal. Big hugs. You are so not a slacker. Sheeeesh. Beyonce has a staff of people to take care of her kid and personal-train her for hours each day. Also zillions of dollars. There's nothing reality-based about that life. (And honestly I think the Hollywood back-in-shape-in-two-weeks thing is damaging, to the women themselves and to the rest of us who look at that and think it's in any way normal.) I'm glad Dez is okay. I cannot get over his pictures. He looks so over being a baby. As for cemeteries - I never go. Ever. I have no idea what happens in normal families, I think we're all just making it up as we go along. ANYway. did I mention that I hate how I can't figure out line breaks in the new blogger so now I leave comments like this one? yeah.

Jen said...

Gah, the regression. I hear you, I feel you. If you want to talk about it, I don't know that I'd have any concrete advise except to tell you what worked for me with Mimi, who was four and SO VERY ANNOYED that there was a baby in the house. I will say that I dealt with accidents for months and there were times I gave up and put her back in pull-ups, and that lasted until right before she started fraking kindergarten at 5.5. Not what you want to hear, no doubt, but I'm only saying it so you know it DOES get better. Eventually.

Not a Perfect Mom said...

Playette's reaction is totally normal, try not to sweat it too much...more alone time would probably do her good, you know, since you have so much free time! ha! But even a tea party while Dez is sleeping could help her out...
and Dez? whoa...that's one big baby...what are you feeding him? moose?

maya said...

BIG hugs to you. Huge.
There is so much to cover here I don't even know where to begin!
Do not underestimate the adjustment of going from one kid to two. That's huge. As is the recovery from childbirth of any kind, particularly a c/s. In addition to what it does to your body it does crazy, wonky stuff to your hormones (or should I say the hormones do wonky things to you?)
And the not sleeping...oh the not sleeping.

Hang in there Mama. You are doing great.
I totally get all of it. And I miss my mommy too.

Hooah said...

My thumbs don't have much to say that others haven't already stated so well. I just really liked yer bullet points. They remind us that we're not the only ones with too many bullet points going on at once. Love you.