It's been 10 weeks since our family of three became four. So much has changed. I really do miss writing about everything on a regular basis.
I mean, I'm not upset with myself for slacking. I know why. You know why. But it doesn't make it any easier for me to accept when days, and then weeks, go by with nary a syllable written in this space.
I posted a couple of pictures of Playette recently, on her 5th bithday. Crazy. She still seems so little to me. By little I mean young. But five? Five is a Big Kid.
I never made it back to mention that if Playette is five, that means this blog is four. For anyone that wasn't already aware, this blog was my coming out, of sorts. It was when I became all, "I have a kid with Ds, hear me roar." Or something. Took me a year to do that.
So if you've never read the first post, here it is.
The second one was closely related, so here you go.
I just now got back from the store with Playette. She needed snacks for school tomorrow when they will be having a pre-4th of July party. The kids are also encouraged to dress in red, white, and blue, so we hit up W-Mart in order to try and fulfill both items we lacked. What I realized before walking out the door was that this was the first time I could recall in the last ten weeks that Playette and I were going to spend any significant one-on-one time together. BD asked me when the last time we were alone together was and my response? "Last weekend in the hospital bed in the ER when you took Dez to get his chest x-ray."
Which reminds me. The ER. Not as terribly bad as it sounds, and it actually was, in the weirdest way, a nice reprieve. Our family was in one narrow room, away from the heat, outside of the house, and we made each other laugh while we waited. It actually felt nice. This was, though, after we pretty much knew that the reason why we came wasn't going to turn into the worst case scenario after all.
Because I have a lot on my mind and I don't want to fall into the trap of never posting until my thoughts are perfectly crafted into individual, free-flowing posts, I offer you... BULLETS.
- Dez is sick. He's getting over it now, but it was scary for a little while. He's so wee and when you hear a bebe with a crackly, full-body cough that is inconsolable, you want to do something about it. I wasn't satisfied with the blow-off we received from the on-call Pediatrician on Friday, so when things appeared to be worse on Saturday, we went to the Navy hospital ER. For a non-military family, that would be like going to urgent care. It's our after-hours option and I was happy to get a second opinion from people who would take the issue seriously. Bottom line: he'll be ok. Upper Respiratory Infection and he's got the cutest inhaler I've ever seen. That probably sounds strange.
- I am frustrated with my post-baby body. I know that I'm crazy. Plenty of people have told me as much. My answer: "No one tells Beyoncé that." Yeah, they just give her props for looking awesome. For some reason, I thought I'd bounce back from pregnancy and childbirth and be running five miles a day by now. Ha. Hahahahahaha. I haven't lost any weight in over a month and I haven't done anything deliberately active in weeks. Unless eating cookies and ice cream counts. This is not boding well for the ten-miler I signed up to do in October.
- Playette is regressing. She is lashing out at friends, crying at the drop of a hat, being generally disagreeable, pushing boundaries, being defiant, and, worst of all to me, having accidents of the urine-soaked variety. She misses being the one and only. Even though she loves Dez to pieces. She must feel horrible and that makes me feel horrible. I don't know how to fix this. I wish she could tell me what's going on in her head.
- Dez is blowing my mind with his lack of ability to stay a teensy baby. Think I'm kidding? Check out this bruiser:
How is this a two-month-old?
- I turned a year older yesterday. Sick baby trumped celebrating. We did go out for breakfast though. It makes me feel weird that I'm not a big birthday person when so many other people are. What is so messed up about me that I'm not into celebrating...anything?
- BD has been gone for work for about four of these last ten weeks. That has been difficult. He's home now and I'm thrilled. It's been hard, yo.
- We're moving soon. Like, very. Finding a house, or lack thereof, has me pulling my hair out. Basically, I've pinpointed the school I want for Playette, but getting a house to match is much more difficult than I ever imagined. At least it's not a cross-country or intercontinental move. (I'd rather not say where just yet.) And starting everything (new friends, doctors, therapists, sitters, etc.) all over again? Gah.
- We also have been car shopping. No one has offered us the Deal of the Century just yet.
- I miss my mother. I need help and a hug, basically. Actually, lots of hugs. BD told me that he'd take me to her headstone soon since I told him that I've never been. Sharing that publicly makes me even more sad. In a normal family, that would never happen, right? Seventeen years? And I'm not really into symbolism much. I know she's not there. But something in me wants to reach out to what is there.
- I had a C-section. There, I said it. To everyone. It wasn't what I planned and I've
kindareally glossed over it, but the unmedicated water birth I wanted and planned for turned into an abdominal surgery that humbled me with its recovery process. There's a story there, of course. And I will write it up. I have to. Before I forget all the details. But, yeah, I think I've been beating myself up a little for that, too. Which is wrong. And then I get mad at Me for being mean to Myself. What a screwed-up cycle. This is not judgment on anyone else's situation or choices, nor does it mean that I am anything less than extraordinarily grateful for the birth of my healthy boy. I just have issues with letting myself off the hook, even for things I can't control.
- I didn't intend for this to be all womp-womp-y. There was good stuff in the last ten weeks, for sure.
- For example, I went to the NDSS Spring Luncheon. That was something I've been meaning to talk about. It was so nice and I really enjoyed it. Yup, I loaded Dez up and we flew to NYC for about 36 hours door-to-door. We got to meet up with lots of friends and it took me about a week to recover. Totally worth it though. When I get copies of the couple of photos that were taken at the event, I will be sure and share them.